Friday, March 5, 2010

Work Avoidance Methods Chapter 3

Another convenient method for avoiding interaction with people that might delegate you work is to listen to music on your headphones. Concerned that the appearance of headphones might suggest that you don’t take your work seriously? Well, you don’t, so cast that concern aside. That being said, the solution is to have one headphone in your ear and another dangling out, which suggests that while you’re listening to music, you’re also open to discussion, even though you really aren’t, which is basically the point.

Additionally, if your boss ever queries you as to why you seem unmotivated or unable to succeed during work in the morning, simply retort with, “I fail in the morning so I can succeed in the afternoon – you know, like Edison and the light bulb.” Say it with esteem, and your boss will have no choice but to applaud you on your never-say-die attitude.

In the unlikely event that you are queried later in the day about why you continue not to succeed in the afternoon explain, “Success today is evasive – but I’m not leaving until I complete this work in a satisfactory manner. And satisfaction to me is only achieved when success is met. I could be here all night.” Then once your boss has left for the day, you leave too. Make sure to wait a sufficient amount of time so as to ensure your boss doesn’t see you as he/she is driving out of the parking lot. When asked in the morning why you didn’t complete the work asked of you simply explain, “Edison failed 2000 times on the light bulb alone, and he was a genius.” This ought to buy you enough time to make it to lunch. After that, you’re on your own.

This strategy has resulted in me only getting fired twice*, so, its, you know, pretty good.

*I’ve never been fired. I read something about how employers/prospective employers can read these things and take them seriously. If I work for you, don’t take this seriously. If I might work for you, don’t take this seriously. If I’ve worked for you in the past and this looks suspiciously liked something I might have done/said, then please don’t tell any future or current employers about it… because, remember, you’re the BEST BOSS EVER.

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