Work Avoidance Methods Chapter 3

Another convenient method for avoiding interaction with people that might delegate you work is to listen to music on your headphones. Concerned that the appearance of headphones might suggest that you don’t take your work seriously? Well, you don’t, so cast that concern aside. That being said, the solution is to have one headphone in your ear and another dangling out, which suggests that while you’re listening to music, you’re also open to discussion, even though you really aren’t, which is basically the point.

Additionally, if your boss ever queries you as to why you seem unmotivated or unable to succeed during work in the morning, simply retort with, “I fail in the morning so I can succeed in the afternoon – you know, like Edison and the light bulb.” Say it with esteem, and your boss will have no choice but to applaud you on your never-say-die attitude.

In the unlikely event that you are queried later in the day about why you continue not to succeed in the afternoon explain, “Success today is evasive – but I’m not leaving until I complete this work in a satisfactory manner. And satisfaction to me is only achieved when success is met. I could be here all night.” Then once your boss has left for the day, you leave too. Make sure to wait a sufficient amount of time so as to ensure your boss doesn’t see you as he/she is driving out of the parking lot. When asked in the morning why you didn’t complete the work asked of you simply explain, “Edison failed 2000 times on the light bulb alone, and he was a genius.” This ought to buy you enough time to make it to lunch. After that, you’re on your own.

This strategy has resulted in me only getting fired twice*, so, its, you know, pretty good.

*I’ve never been fired. I read something about how employers/prospective employers can read these things and take them seriously. If I work for you, don’t take this seriously. If I might work for you, don’t take this seriously. If I’ve worked for you in the past and this looks suspiciously liked something I might have done/said, then please don’t tell any future or current employers about it… because, remember, you’re the BEST BOSS EVER.

Sprucing up your work environment

In addition to drawing clever things on Post-it Notes, you can improve your office life by bringing things to your desk and leaving them there. Plants, for instance, are a good addition to an office devoid of life. The only nagging quality about plants is that some of them need water, or they will give up and stop trying so hard to be beautiful. This is displeasing. That is why I buy cactus plants. I have had a miniature cactus at my office for over two years and I think I watered it once when I first bought it. Yet, it's still alive. Or if it wasn't, I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to tell anyway.

Cactus plants in particular are great because their natural environment is harsh and unforgiving, like your ex-girlfriends. In other words, they are able to subsist on very little, which means that you don't have to feed, water, nurture or even really acknowledge them. Which is why they are light years ahead of children. The only adjustment you will have to make to bring a cactus into your life is to turn the thermostat up to 93 degrees (at least) in order to simulate the cactus' natural environment (desert). Hopefully your co-workers will realize your commitment to all forms of life and cooperate with the change.

They are also prickly, which is useful if people try to steal them from your desk because they will walk away crying and full of needles. This gives the cactus a sense of triumph and satisfaction. In fact when I picked it up at the store today to look at it it pricked me which is probably why I bought another cactus in the first place. You know, because when people and houseplants insult you, you tend to seek their approval even more than you did in the first place.

Another good way to enjoy your job even more than you do now is to spend lots of time making and drinking teas. Tea doesn't really do anything for you, it's kind of expensive, and it can't be substituted for food. But there are so many kinds of teas! I encourage you to try them all. It's interesting to note that every time you buy a box of tea, a British person instantly appears. I get most of my exercise walking to and from the microwave to make tea. For example, yesterday I spent so much time making tea that I didn't even have time to drink it or to read my emails.

I drink a lot of English Breakfast tea at work, which tastes like dirt. I'm not sure why I would drink something so often that tastes a lot like dirt, other than it is something to do and doesn't make me fall down the stairs at the end of the night.

Another thing you can do to make your daily environment more aesthetically pleasing is to have your neices, nephews, or any small child that you don't really know draw pictures of you doing funny things, like attempting an armed robbery or cheating on your taxes (any child will do, they all have roughly the same underdeveloped and pitiful art skills) to put up on your office walls.

I hope you find these tips useful and that they help to brighten your day. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go to the store because I've found myself out of tea.

Help for the bored and artistically impaired (i.e. losers)

(Picture of amateur, lifeless sketches of cubes and squiggles)

Is this you? Are you only able to draw cubes and squiggly lines? Do you find yourself at a loss as to how to fill your notes with doodles during long meetings?

No problem! Just anthropomorphize them. Any good cube can take on typical human activity. And while you’re at it, make them edible.

In case you were wondering what exactly I do here … I don’t have any more time on my hands than anyone else (this is a purely literal examination). But I do have a generous supply of Post-it Notes and ballpoint pens at work (perhaps too generous for their expected use). Also, my co-workers and I have reached an unspoken mutual agreement that I will do the least amount of work of everyone.

You may notice some errors or contradictions within these sketches. For example, light sources may seem to be coming from several disparate, absurd directions. Or perhaps you may think to yourself, well I don’t think that cheese can really ice skate all that well and I’m not entirely sure they can grow a mustache either. I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that they are only cartoon blocks of cheese. They’re not perfect. And neither are you.

Oh, got to go. Time for lunch.